One Grammar Nazi, coming right up

*Trundles up with large cart, chock full of commas and semicolons**
Yes, that's me, your friendly, neighborhood grammar nazi. I'm there when you write your research paper or when you type up your facebook status. I'm even there when you text your friends! Isn't that heartwarming? Don't you feel SAFE??

Don't you dare use a comma when you should really start a new sentence. Don't even THINK about only using half of a complex sentence, thereby creating a fragment. Creative capiTalizatioN? That's fine by me. Odd, combined-with-hyphens-and-nothing-else words? Go for it! I'll even go so far as to be forgiving with paragraph changes. But FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T YOU DARE use incorrect subject-verb agreement or end your sentences with a preposition. Should you do so, put up your grammatically incorrect rapiers and prepare for a conjunction-ridden duel.

Let me tell you a story. My history teacher is a big fan of powerpoints*** and as such, had prepared a 20s-era-themed one. We students, of course, diligently took down notes and paid attention. That is, we paid due attention UNTIL Fabian erred. The moment i saw "How did electricity effect cities?", my grammar nazi side took full control. My mind reeled and before i knew it, my hand was up in the air.

"Maddi?"
"I don't mean to be nitpicky, but, with all respect, Mr. Fabian....youusedthewrongformofaffect."****
"?"
"It shouldn't be Effect. Because it's a verb, it has to be Affect."
"..."
"Please, it's really going to bother me. Can you just change it?"

If this were any NORMAL teacher, or if we HAD been discussing grammar, the mistake would have been quickly fixed. If this had been a super-focused-no-distractions teacher, i would have been sternly admonished. Fabian is neither
He went up to the board and with a SmartBoard pen, circled the "E". Then underlined it. Then drew little lightbulb-esque lines coming out of it, as if that "E" were a Broadway billboard announcing a new musical specifically about small language blunders and student mortification. Still in the process of circling and highlighting that dreaded fifth letter of the alphabet, Fabian proceeded to ask me what, indeed, WERE the *ahem* Effects of electricity?
Me? I did what any sane, self-respecting, borderline-OCD, student would do. I held up my binder in front of my face and replied from behind it, "Factories could be built away from a water source". Then i waited for the slide to change.

The point of this story is not whether or not i got the answer correct. The point is this: if you are so desperate for an alliteration between "electricity" and "affect", you should use thesaurus.com to find a suitable synonym*****. You should NOT, under any circumstances, settle for the homonym of "affect".

The other point is that i like grammar. A lot.
Spelling's not so bad either....


*Hmmm. Did i really just start a blog entry with an action in asteriks?**
**What is the proper name for this? I propose we make one up.
***By this, i mean he is a both an enthusiastic fan of powerpoints, and a fan who is large.
****The commas are allowed in such an exorbitant amount here to exemplify the awkwardness of me correcting my history teacher on a rather small error.
*****That was an alliteration. And i didn't even try.